well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
