Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
