im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
