he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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