you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
