I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
