Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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