I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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