this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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