apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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