just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You're like the curious george of whores
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
