He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
