i always forget guys have bellybuttons
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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