Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
