I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
