Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He did a backflip because drugs
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