I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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