yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
