Your face is a jimmy john
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
