just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
