If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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