I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
