my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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