Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
