chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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