Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
