i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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