This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
