the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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