Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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