y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
