You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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