It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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