im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just pynch a tree in the face
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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