it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
