i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
