Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
