Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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