i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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