I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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