Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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