im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
