gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just took my morning after pill in the library
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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