My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Randomize
