remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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