There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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