Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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