Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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