dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
