$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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